NO CRYING AT MY FUNERAL

NO CRYING AT MY FUNERAL

Monday, May 15, 2006

DA VINCI CODE: "I Don't Know How to Love Him"

DA VINCI CODE: “I Don’t Know How to Love Him”[1]

I couldn’t resist that subtitle for all you Mary Magdalene fans.

I can’t believe that I am spitting into that Dan Brown River of ink that is already flowing toward the ocean of insignificance, the “Da Vinci Code.”

I’ve read the book. It is nothing but a $25.00 hard-bound movie script written in miserable fifth grade level English. The “facts” that the author claims to be well researched have been authoritatively corrected by much smarter and better informed people than I.

Let me start by drawing your attention to the sub-title above. It is a clear sign that this is not the first time in modern times that an author has linked Jesus with Mary Magdalene;[2] this is not the first time that an author talks about the Prieuré de Sion;[3] this is not the first time that an author discusses the hidden meanings behind the paintings of Leonardo de Vinci;[4] this is not the first time that an author says nasty things about the Opus Dei[5], and finally, in my lifetime there have been several instances when murder and intrigue in the Vatican made the headlines.

Dan Brown has not revealed anything to the world that the world did not hear or read in the last fifty years or so. In fact his “research” was aimed at the successful publications of some brilliant men who came not too long before him. He has somehow captured the imagination, and the dollars, of the world by weaving a suspenseful story with some “juicy, gossipy” details around a statistically impossible theory.

The “spinal cord” of the story is the belief that the royal blood of King David still flows in some real people living in Europe. This royal blood comes from Jesus who is king because he is from David.[6] Jesus and Mary Magdalene are said to have had a child. Mary and child supposedly escaped to Europe (Southern France) after the crucifixion. The child married and her descendants form the still active Merovingian Royal Blood Line[7].

That would mean that King David’s descendants would still be alive and well and continuing his blood line 2,500 years after his death. Not bad, eh? What’s even weirder is to hear how Jesus’ progeny reached Europe in the first place. But I’ll leave that for another time and place. It might take a drink or two to get that one out of me.

This “thread” that keeps the book going is not one that takes up much mental space in the world today. Most people are talking about the “racy” topic of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. They gossip and opine about how Da Vinci portrays Mary of Magdala at the right of Jesus during the Last Supper and how Peter was jealous of her because she was stealing Jesus’ time away from the apostles.

And people are worried about what is being said about the Opus Dei. Who cares about the Opus Dei? Maybe we could start a rumor that they have infiltrated the U.S. Supreme Court through John Roberts and/or Sam Alito. The Knights of Columbus certainly already have. None of this emotional energy is going to get anyone anywhere.

Since I am neither Opus Dei nor Knights of Columbus, nor Prieuré de Sion, nor Knight Templar, nor Knight of Malta, nor Knight of Saint Gregory nor Freemason, nor Rotary, nor Elk, here is my long-winded suggestion.

If you want exciting reading, do read the Bible. There’s a good murder Story in Genesis, chapter 4. There’s family intrigue and skullduggery in a family of twelve that turns out well at the end, starting at Genesis 37. The book of Judith is about a new widow who saves her country by seducing the invading commander (Rated R). If you don’t have too much time, read the story of the reluctant missionary who couldn’t dodge God’s will because a big fish belched him up on the shore of the place where God wanted him in the first place.[8]

Poetry? Hmmm, poetry, you say… Oh, go to the book of Job, chapter 38 on. I dare you to lay it down once you start. You need some quiet time? You know, meditation? There are 150 songs (psalms) right in the middle of the Bible. Hey, knock yourself out. Having trouble with your boys tonight, Mom? Turn off the TV, shut down the PC and the Nintendo, sit them in a corner and read them a couple of thoughts from the book of Proverbs. It says in there that they should obey their parents so they will live to a happy old age.

The Bible contains well over 1,500 pages of good stuff. Use it for any problem you might have. You don’t believe me? Can’t sleep tonight? Tossing and turning? Grab that Bible, open it to the fourth book of the Bible, “Numbers.” I guarantee the results, “zzzz’s” in five minutes.

Yes, dear friends, have all the fun you want with the “Da Vinci Code” but I guarantee that you will make yourself a whole lot happier if you keep coming home to the Bible. Remember, it took the Vatican officials three years before they even acknowledged the very existence of the “Da Vinci Code,” and even then they weren’t all that worked up about it.

So, here’s my bottom line, short and sweet suggestion:

Don’t buy the book. It’s more interesting if you borrow it and get a free read. Smart readers can read it in about 6 hours. Like I said, 5th grade English is easy to read.

Then, have some fun. Don’t say a word as you listen to all the cockamamie comments of the bozos who have a negative opinion about it but have neither read the book nor seen the movie yet.

Don’t see the movie in the theatre. Wait until it comes out on tape or disk, invite yourself over to your friend’s house or some such and enjoy it there for free. That way, it will be a lot more fun and you just might score a meal too.

Follow my advice about the “Da Vinci Code” and you’ll know why you won’t want to cry at my funeral.





[1] Webber, Andrew Lloyd, music and Rice, Tim, lyrics 1971
[2] Kazantsakis, Nikos; “The Last Temptation of Christ” 1960
[3] Eco, Umberto; “Foucault’s Pendulum” 1988
[4] Baigent, Michael; Leigh, Richard; Lincoln, Henry; “Holy Blood, Holy Grail” 1982
[5] Baigent, Michael; Leigh, Richard; Lincoln, Henry; “The Messianic Legacy” 1986
[6] Matthew, 1: 1-17
[7] Baigent, Michael; Leigh, Richard; Lincoln, Henry; “Holy Blood, Holy Grail” 1982
[8] Jonah

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